i always used to think about whether or not id ever leave a suicide note if i ever actually managed to kill myself. i dont think i would. i think anyone who really knew me would not be surprised and for the people who didnt know me i think im allowed some level of privacy. sometimes i wonder if id leave an empty piece of paper, if i mean it like a statement about how little i have to say but i dont htink its like that. i dont want to make a statement at all, theres nothing left to say. if i wanted to talk about it, id go do that while i was alive. what can you say about something like that? nothing can adequately explain it. ive been this way for so long i think i would be out of things to say to anyone. if i was killing myself, i would have no hope of things improving. why would i put the effort in? but suicid3e is an effortful thing. so ironically i think if i ever was actually about to kill myself on an emotional level, on a practical level id be unable to. thats why i have to keep trying even though everyday when i wake up i wish i had succeeded in killing myself before. because theres no good option for me where i willingingly die, its a hard thing to do. if i failed (which is likely, i think ive already technically failed several attempts depending on how you count them) id get put in an asylum or something. then what? then i get out and still want to kill myself. its easier to keep going everyday without that interruption, working on securing housing and stuff and fixing how fucked up i am. nothings easy. i hope something kills me very soon.