there once was a guy and he biult a very large highway. it started as just a single street. it came over him one day, "I must create a small road stretching from my neighbour's property to mine," he said to his wife who he had not yet married. She was like, "what? how did I get here? whos bed is this?". This gave him all the confirmation he needed that this should be his future path.
with frenzy, with tremendous delerious furvor, he began to build. every day, up to his hips in swamp clearing the way for the pavement. his hands growing worn and calloused, before soaking in the rain and swamp water and bursting, bleeding like stigmata in the night. he could not remember what he ate during this time, but still he ate with visible hunger and urgency. it was towards the end of spring when his labours, trudging through the bog, were finally over.
however, his task was not finished. the day the gravel came, it was summer. "Dump it here, fellas!" he said to the truck operator before running out of the way of the oncoming torrent of dusk and rock. his neighbour looked outside, only to be blinded by the thick dust cloud he had created. His neighbour coughed profusely. "What the sam hell are you doing out then, Henry?" he spluttered.
it was only then that he noticed it. a ditch about 1 meter deep, uniform-edged as if cut with a cakeslicer, leading from his neighbours yard to his. the dust had just barely settled but still he could see the sun glinting off of Henry's delirious smile, his wet rabid lips trembling like beacons cutting through the fog like fangs.
he tried to complain to the city counsel but every time he sent in a complaint, it would end in nothing. hed be invited to appointments and told to infinitely reschedule them, hed send in letters and get nothing back or worse yet a letter telling him to consolt another agency where the same cycle would repeat again. he grew more and more desperate to contact them and they grew further and further out of his reach. he could see trucks pulling up outside of Henry's garage, dumping gravel into his yard. he could see Henry in the middle of the night with maps of the city, pinning string to different locations, calculating prices of various building supplies, cutting construction equipment ads out of newspapers.
one day he was out for a walk. he spoke to a friend he hadnt seen in a long time, just ran into him by chance. you mentioned Henry to him. "Oh, Henry? What a loser," he said, "I guess I'd be that desperate for a hobby too if I worked reception at age 48". he started to feel some sympathy for the guy. on a receptionist's wage, all that ruckus in his backyard couldnt be economical.
he decided to do an inpromptu welfare check on the guy. "Knock knock!" he said. No one answered but the door was wide open. He decided to explore a little. he went into the room he had seen Henry working in. the door, again, wide open. the windows were shut, the room pitch black except for a single midday sunbeam slicing across a table covered in obscure geometric shapes. he opened them, revealing a to-scale replica of the city. it was identical down the the trees and hedges, except for one thing. hundreds of asphalt highways stretching like muscular fibres through the city, spidering through it like a bacteria eating through agar agar. he searched for his own house to no avail. then he thought to search for Henry's. Henry's house was surrounded by a little pocket of green, a botantical moat in the endless gray and black of the city. out of the back of Henry's little oasis ran a thick strip of asphalt, right where his house should have been.
that night, he had visions of the highways, brick by brick, assembling themselves in the dark.
Henry opened his eyes for the first time in two years and looked out the window of his highrise office. the skies were black and blue with his empire and he wondered, "What came of me? What in God's name have I done?"
there once was a woman who was built out of radioactive crystals. when she tried to move, her joints would painfully scrape against each other. her skin would shine brilliantly at noon and she'd blind those around her permanently.
she decided she was sick of living this way so she decided to go find a pit to stand in until the end of time, buried so she wouldnt set light to the forest while she stayed there. excruciatingly, though in the dead of night, she made her way to the forest. each step let out a ear piercing grinding screech. she could not speak but each deliberate step her body cried out.
when she finally made it, she found a pile of loose dirt to burrow into. this would be more efficient than digging.
years pass and she hasnt moved. someone stumbles upon her, tripping on her and falling onto her spikes. she is so radioactive he immediately dissolves. she gasped. then she looked around her.
"god fucking damn it, everything melted," she yelled. yup, thats right. everything melted. she wanted to go somewhere where she wouldnt have to think about this kind of thing. basically she was born so that anything she comes into contact with dissolves but without the ability to remove herself from situations where she could avoid doing that. on top of this, the self awareness to understand what she's doing.
"what a prediciment," she sighed, "WHO CAN RELATE?". no one replied because everyone had melted. "i dont have any of the benefits id have gotten from intentionally being a piece of shit and i also dont have the benefits of acting correctly," she complained to no one.
she didnt know how to die. she did eventually. but before that point, all she could do was wait. distracting moments came and went but when someone happened upon her, when the noon sun pierced her, when the noxious gases of the corpses decomposting within her radiative radius, she remembered that she did not want to suffer this way any longer.
she loved him deeply. he was a small shell, eyeless like a newborn puppy. each night she held him tightly, each morning she gently rubbed his back and held him up to her ear to hear the hums of the ocean, that distant ocean where she found him.
on the last day she would ever speak to her friend Marilyn, though she didn't know it at the time, she found him. the tide was high but still she braved in the rocky beach. sand sprayed past her and collected in her ears. she climbed to the top of a stack of boulders, digging her toes into their sharp edges. when she felt she could no longer climb, there she found him, nestled in an indent of stone like an child.
when she brought him back to the city, her rooms began to change. the light was saturated and bright blue and the sun stood proudly over her each day. the air was clearer, the sounds of the wind more gentle. the world slipped over the horizon along with the sun and each time it did it dragged her further out to sea.
she held him tightly each night, gently rubbed him each day. one day, she sent a crack through his little body. he had crept beneath her in her sleep. in the morning she tried to rub his back as if nothing had happened. it was only a small crack after all.
as she pressed her finger into the same old grooves she always had, his back split open. the ground beneath her opened up. torrents of water thundered below her faster than she had the time to notice before she has fallen 12km and snapped in half.
moral: do not live on the back of a dead sea creature
there once was an extremely spooky ghost! it was just so fucking spooky and scary. it could shoot smoke rings out of its eyes. this was a hobby that it had. this is also a common hobby in general in this world. also little guys live in the same house as this scary ghost.
theres three little guys: cher, frrenk, and cunt. everyone hates cunt because he named himself that and he insists upon being called it even though absolutely no one feels comfortable saying that word and it has gotten them all into trouble multiple times at the mall they all work at.
one day, the ghost and cher and frrenk were all like, "Hey, let's evict this guy!". They called him into the room and he was like, "AAAAAAHHHHHH!" because the ghost was there. When he was done absolutely pissing his pants, they sat him down and told him the news.
he was completely mortified. however, he had a plan. while the rest of the guys had left the room because they felt awkward about watching cunt cry, he burrowed into their wall and dug the spinelike hairs that covered his bald naked body into the walls. good thing he wasn't wearing his chastity suspenders!
when the guys re-entered the room, they were like, "Come on dude, don't be like that". "Call me by my name!" cunt said. the ghost entered the room and blew several smoke rings out of its eyes. "Hey guys, is something going on in here?" said the ghost. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed the little guys, collectively pissing and shitting their pants with complete shock and terror at the spooky ghost.
"Look, Cunt," said the ghost, "It's not that we don't like you, we just don't think you're a good fit and we want you to find somewhere where you will be".
"Um actually, I think I'm a really good fucking fit, look how good I fit into the side of this wall," cunt replied. he then stuck his tongue out at the guys and spat on their floor.
"Okay Cunt, that's the final straw, I'm calling the police," cher said. "But wait!" frrenk interrupted, "We hate the police!" the ghost nodded in a very scary and spooky way.
"Yes, but Cunt hates the police even more!" cher grinned wickedly. cunt was appaulled at her behaviour but appreciated her usage of his chosen name. cher picked up a phone and began to dial.
"Wait Cher stop!" frrenk yelled, smacking the phone to the floor. "As much as I hate the guy in the wall who I'm not going to refer to by name, it's never okay to weaponise the police against a fellow ghost, ghoul, or small guy!" frrenk said, grabbing cher by the shoulders and shaking her furiously.
"This goes against everything we stand for," said the ghost, shaking its head in disappointment.
"But guys, come on! How else are we gonna get Cunt out of the wall?" cher said, secretly desperate for bloodshed.
frrenk and the ghost just looked at each other. if one of the them was going to have to go, the other would most certainly have to go as well. they turned to look at cunt, then back at cher. cher already knew what was on their minds.
"You can't be serious," she said, astounded, "You're not kicking me out too, are you?"
"Cher, you violated the sanctity of our flat bond the moment you picked up the cellphone," frrenk said. the ghost simply stared at the floor.
"Whatever! Good luck paying rent on Monday, you fake leftist tenderqueers!!!" cher said as she stormed off into the night.
"What do we do about that guy?" said the ghost.
"Don't worry about him," frrenk replied, "He pissed and shit his pants as soon as you walked into the room, he's gonna want out of there pretty soon."
"Goddamn it," cunt grumbled. they were right. he had only made enough space in the wall to barely fit him and now he was being violently pressed out of that space by his own putrid fluids. he sighed, defeated.
"I guess I'll leave," he said and waved his final goodbye.
the ghost and frrenk decided to order in some italian food to make up for the loss of their two friends. it had been a stressful day for them both. they snuggled up on the couch together to watch some brand new episodes of rick and morty. it was rick-tacular.
they had both built up a lot of tension from the fight earlier and the ghost could feel it in frrenk's toned back as they pressed up against each other. the ghost began tracing a single digit down frrenk's spine in a way that was not only extremely spooky and scary but also gay and erotic.
"Kiss me, you spooky fool!" frrenk moaned.
FADE TO BLACK
the next day at work, their boss walked into the breakroom to tell off the usual offenders, frrenk, cher, the other guy who's name she didnt want to say, and the spooky ghost, for slacking off and chatting it up past their break. instead, there was only cher and other guy staring daggers into the wall.
"What happened to you two?" she asked. cher gritted her teeth and punched the desk, failing to contain her rage.
"Why don't you ask those guys?" cunt said, pointing a thumb behind him and into the storage cupboard.
the boss made her way into the dark room and pulled the string controlling the single bulb that hung from the center of the room.
"What in God's name are you two doing?" she gasped, clasping her hands over her face, eyes wide and eyebrows furrowed. the answer to her question was something too romantic and sensual to describe in good conscience here, but it involved gay sex, smoke rings, sand, and smooth jazz.
"You are both fired," said the boss. frrenk and the ghost squelched home, crestfallen. little did any of them know, frrenk and the ghost would win a 10K settlement in court after suing the company for anti-gay, anti-sexy-spooky-ghost, firing and hiring practices, forever changing the course of legal history in the real world state of Colorado where this story is set.
"You two, get back to work," the boss ordered.
"Yes, boss," said cunt. they all worked at the adult entertainment section of IKEA. work it, cunt!
i had a friend one time. he was a guy named Scromprt and he was so fucking cool. everyday, we would talk aabout what was going on in our lives and hearts and souls. we both had hobbies that didnt overlap at all. he was like a fuckin gardener or some shit and i like to build miniature railroads. anyway.
one day, me and Scromprt were hanging out and this absolute cool guy (Scromprt) made a suggestion: "We should make a very large boat and go fishing together". I was very on-board with this idea, pun intended. so then every Monday, we went to his house and worked on this boat. it turned out to be fucking massive, way larger than what Scromprt could fit into the back of my truck, so we had to wheel it there on the wheels we had installed on it. not sure why we did that, i think we got confused with planes. ANYWAY.
so we get this boat onto the water and its floating like a small duck or like a leaf or some other buoyant object, which is exactly what we had prayed for. the sky was cloudy and it was a little cold, but the spring sun was piercing and the wind was gentle and we were both ready to enjoy a very peaceful day together.
because having the wheels down let water into the boat, we both had to push it from the riverbank into the water before climbing in right as its sharp nose sliced into the water. Scromprt almost fell in, and to be honest i didnt help him up, but he managed to pull himself up anyway.
the boat was completely sanded down, despite clearly having been made by amateurs. i was very afraid of getting a splinter, you see. the top deck had a shaded area with cushioned seats and a picnic table. Scromprt started setting out the food.
"Not so fast Scromprt!" i interrupted, "Don't you think we should try catching something first?"
"Okay geez, you got me, I'll go set up the equipment" he replied, putting his hands up in a friendly surrender.
Scromprt wasn't a very good catch - at least, not with a rod. for the first couple hours, i was the only one who caught anything. Scromprt eventually became very fed up with this and dove into the water to search for the fishes himself.
"Where are the little bastards?" he said viciously, before diving below the surface of the water, foggy with the dirt he was kicking up off the riverbank.
soon, he surfaced, his mouth full of little minnows.
where was i going with this? oh yeah, then we had a pleasant day together, we ate lunch, it was great. and we kept doing that on that boat for like two years until it became completely unusable. and Scromprt is still my friend to this day and we both are very happy with how our lives have turned out.
moral: friendship is magic