the first time i recontacted her, i drew this image. its hard to believe she ever made me feel this way now, but that's part of what was so sick about it. i had been feeling so insecure and alone and empty. she encouraged me to create, she didn't flinch at my mental issues, she still wanted to speak to me even when i was in a crazy mood. its meaningless now obviously. she accepted me indiscriminately.
nib & ink
this ones strange. i made this once when she triggered my abandonment issues hahaha but of course she liked how clingy i was because it meant i was emotionally reliant on her.
nib & ink
the first portrait i ever drew recreationally.
i drew this one on the wall of my parent's house, along with a lot of other disturbing things. this is definitely the one that aged the worst haha its still there to this day.
the stress of our relationship caused me to have a psychotic break. she promised to me things would stay exclusively romantic. slowly, that changed. she hadn't crossed the line at this point but she was nudging things in that direction.
this wasnt the first time for me.
poster-sized. i still am hiding this one in my wardrobe to this day haha but i did have it on my wall for about a month before i had to remove it for a flat inspection. referenced directly off of photos of me. hes got my suicide marks on his stomach.
i did this right after the first time i tried to leave her. its a self portrait, it really hurt taking the reference photo haha. the quote is from a blog we used to stalk together.
this took three hours to do. the meaning kind of falls flat now. i think i was mad she never paid as much attention to me as i did to her. i was her fan at some point, i stalked her blog. now i just wish id spent the time elsewhere.
pencil & coloured pencil
what we had was sick.
i said i had left her but i was compulsively checking her blog as i had been doing since i got back into contact with her. id search her old urls and i ended up finding essays she wrote like 3 years ago and reading thru them. she was still checking my blog too: we were basically still in contact.
we got back into contact. i vented to her a lot and it was meant to help but half the time it made me feel worse and this is an example of that. i think she liked to hear me vent because it meant she got to be close to me. gross.
making this meant i didnt need to actually do anything to myself so even tho its depressing, im glad i made it.
i could share anything with her. the sick intimacy started to feel normal. this was just before she destroyed everything. we lost contact on 1/july/2022.